18-01-16

I'm back again !

Just the new year have started and everything I feel has been going wrong for me.

Health has been getting bad as I've fallen sick today with fever, sorethroat and cough. Not to say the frequent headaches and feeling giddy nowadays also.

I really duno what is happening to me.

Becoming 33 years old is somehow scary to me coz its an age that I have a risk of dying due to my diabetes which this year is the so called Magical 20th year.

Diabetic patients usually will have complications around the 18th year once diagnosed and during the 18th year, I had chestpains and after going to the doctor, I was diagnosed with a leaking heart valve which causes pain to my heart and chest due to the backflowing of blood to the heart.

And now this year is my 20th year.

Only at the beginning of the year only and I've fallen sick and experienced much heartpain more den like the total of last year.

These few days I keep having so much pain in my chest that I kept sleeping and taking painkillers for my heart which is a bad thing because we're not supposed to take so much painkillers in our lives as it harms the liver.

Painkillers are something that we shouldn't keep taking as it tells our brain that the area is not having pain anymore or the pain has subsided but actually pain is still being inflicted to the area just that we don't feel any pain to it but the damage is still being dealt without us knowing.

And I know I shouldn't take so much painkillers but sometimes the pain is just unbearable, and it happens to the heart and not other places.

Imagine you having a headache and its already so painful that you have to take painkillers, imagine having the same amount of pain on your chest, on your heart.

Sometimes I feel that I already have so much illnesses already, why are you giving me so much more defects to my body.

I'm not blaming anybody. It's my body, its my responsibility to take care of myself and I know for the past 20 years I'm totally not doing any part to that. I am not even taking care of my body.

But somehow I feels everything is too late now, all the damage has been done already.

Sad, depressed, giving up.